Every parent wants their children to be resilient—to bounce back from setbacks and thrive despite challenges. But how exactly do you build resilience? According to developmental psychologists Amanda Sheffield Morris and Jennifer Hays-Grudo, the secret is balanced parenting .
What Is Balanced Parenting?
Balanced parenting focuses on the parent-child relationship while keeping in mind the competing demands of children’s development and parents’ need for control. There are many situations in which parents should be in control. But just as important, children need opportunities to learn, grow, and become independent .
The approach is grounded in decades of solid, scientific research. It’s not a fad or fashion but an evidence-based strategy for promoting resilience .
The Balancing Act
Balanced parenting means managing a series of tensions:
- Giving children freedom to explore while keeping them safe
- Allowing independence while staying connected
- Letting children make mistakes while helping them succeed
As one review describes it, “Raising resilient children is a matter of balance” . This balance is sometimes called “authoritative parenting”—a style that combines warmth with appropriate limits.
The Five Essential Steps
Morris and Hays-Grudo’s book, “Raising a Resilient Child in a World of Adversity,” provides strategies for managing these balancing acts. Parents learn effective ways to:
- Discipline their child
- Communicate better with their adolescent
- Establish routines and habits in their family that naturally build children’s character and resilience
Along the way, parents also become more resilient, better able to handle emotions and control reactions, and better able to create the life they want for their family .
Balanced Parenting at Each Developmental Stage
The book breaks down what balanced parenting looks like at each stage:
Babies and Toddlers: Balancing safety and exploration
Early Childhood: Balancing control and choice
Middle Childhood: Balancing limits and independence
Tweens and Young Teens: Balancing boundaries and autonomy
Older Teens and Young Adults: Balancing letting go and staying involved
ACEs and PACEs
Central to understanding resilience is the concept of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and PACEs (Protective Childhood Experiences). More than half of parents today experienced physical or emotional abuse, neglect, divorce, family violence, alcohol or drug abuse, or mental illness in their homes when they were children .
Scientists have learned that these adverse childhood experiences have lifelong consequences on physical health, mental health, and parenting. No parent wants to continue this pattern of adversity, but it is often difficult to know how to break the cycle .
The book provides five essential steps to breaking the intergenerational cycle of adversity. Breaking this cycle involves reflecting on your past and making changes in yourself and how you parent. It is the parent’s guide as they chart a new course, creating a home that supports the child’s growth and well-being along with their own .
The Bottom Line
Balanced parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about being intentional, consistent, and responsive. Parents who can maintain both warmth and structure—who can give children freedom while remaining a steady presence—are giving their children the foundation for genuine resilience. As Laurence Steinberg, PhD, notes in his endorsement of the book, it will “help parents do a better job raising their kids, even in the face of adversity”